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Sanibona, ninjani?

It’s February, so, of course I am going to write about love, romance and why feelings aren’t enough.

Last year, I decided to move away from working with individuals, and focus on working with groups, corporate, brand and organisation clients.

The core focus of the programmes I have been running is values: bringing clear and deliberate awareness to the beliefs and principles that inform human behaviour.

I am looking specifically at the value systems of ubuntu and isintu, and what it looks like to organise, strategise and manage our full and busy lives as abantu.

I suppose the core values are the focus of A Love Letter lately, and this love letter is no different.

Facts over feelings

As abantu, we are chemically, biologically and socially evolved for bonding, kinship and belonging. Deep and profound emotional experiences come as a part of the package. This shapes how we behave, the choices we make and what we believe.

Since belonging is central to our very existence, we need to feel worthy and safe in order for us to be well. That’s where values come into the picture. Our values act as parameters and guides for us, to make sense of the world.

Values such as respect, compassion, generosity, for example, help us to feel connected with our existence. We rely on the behaviours of those around us to show us who they are, and where we stand with them.

Somehow, when it comes to love, the standard suddenly shifts. Love is treated like a feeling, nje, or something abstract or theoretical that doesn’t require active engagement. You can just say the word, or feel the feeling, and that’s all.

As someone who is very outspoken about the practical, strategic and institutional responsibilities of love, I have encountered a fair amount of resistance and sometimes hostility for this perspective.

It is considered cynical to dare to say that feelings are not enough, and that love must be demonstrated as duty and service.

Am I saying feelings are not real or important? No. I am saying that feeling or speaking without demonstrable effort isn’t good enough.

Actions and behaviours tell us facts about ourselves how we see the world and other people.

Words and feelings are just that. You gotta be about it. I always say that the central premise of isintu is: “talk is cheap”.

Ok, so if we must show love, and not just feel it, or say it, am I saying romantic gestures are the best way to show love? Yes.

Romance

I love love, and I define love as ubuntu, you already know that.

To me, romance is the effort we make to express our care and affinity.

It’s so boring to limit romance to infatuation and sexual intimacy. Expressing adoration and affection is for everyone.

Love and ubuntu can only be expressed in action, and embodied in our choices.

Ergo, romance exists wherever there is positive and safe companionship.

I am an incurable romantic, a sucker for true and lasting love, that’s expansive as the known universe.

That’s why I don’t limit my experiences and definitions of love and romance. I will take the whole spectrum, thank you very much.

What says true love more than your humanity and existence being upheld with utmost dignity and respect?

(yes, that includes self-respect and the dignity you carry for yourself as umuntu)?

Love is a core value

At the centre of isintu is interconnectedness: you belong…as one of many, and many in one…

What is true love, if not unconditional, and abundant belonging?

Love and romance are everywhere, and in everything, we just need to be curious enough to see it, and open to show it.

Do you remember this?

Curiosity as a gateway to love

Curiosity is the deep desire to learn and understand, that’s why I like to think of it as a gateway to freedom, wisdom humility.

Curiosity teaches us discernment and self-acceptance.

It frees us from the prisons of fear, perfectionism, ignorance and judgement so that we can see ourselves and the world in a compassionate, honest and loving way.

Curiosity is what keeps us open, which is all that love asks of us, right? For us to be open. An open heart needs an open mind, and vice versa.

But, openness makes us vulnerable. Vulnerability may have us feeling exposed and weak, but, in truth, vulnerability is courage in disguise.

You know what else requires courage? love.

L.O.V.E

Listen. Observe. Values first. Experience.

Love is the practice of being respectfully connected and engaged with ourselves, our lives, and by everything around us. At the centre of being present and engaged is curiosity. Love resides where we are most open to receive it.

L: Learn

Learn to be still. Release perfectionism and judgement, so that you can be present and open.

Listen. You need humility to do that. You won’t learn anything if you don’t listen. You will never hear anything if you are not curious.

O: Observe

Be patient and attentive to your emotions, reactions and what is happening inside and around you.

Giving yourself permission to observe and reflect allows you to be lovingly honest with yourself. Being honest gives way to wisdom and discernment.

V: Values first

Actions say everything about who you are, more than what words ever will.

But, we are just people, and we tend to act based on our emotions, and not always our principles and values.

But, emotions, inevitably shift with perspective, hormones or context.

Emotions are not facts, they just give us information about our needs and desires.

We cannot make sound decisions based on the shifting sands of our emotions. We need to make decisions on the solid foundation of our values.

We can be curious about the information our emotions give us. We can observe and learn from them…then, let our values guide our decisions and actions.

I recently heard this quote from Michelle Obama:

E: Experience

Don’t just sit there, live! Resist the pressure and temptation to treat yourself as an ongoing perfection project.

Yes, we all have a lot to learn, consider and reflect on. That means, curious and open. Learning and reflecting don’t mean analyse, therapize and overthink yourself into emotional and spiritual paralysis.

Show up in your life. Look at your values, act according them, then you are being true to you.

I can’t explain how to do that, there is no checklist I can share.

All I can tell you is that the enjoyment, lessons, wisdom and pains of life require us to be abantu. Abantu make mistakes, poor choices. Abantu feel joy and hurt. Abantu learn, observe, behave and experience life according to their values - the values of ubuntu.

Give yourself the chance to be umuntu.

Be curious and audacious.

You don’t need permission to be generously romantic with yourself. You just need the audacity. Nobody can stop you.

L.O.V.E.

Out loud.

I end Ancestory with this line. “Love is ubuntu. Ubuntu is love.”

I think it’s a good way to end this Love letter too.

A Love Letter is a companion, not a manual. We can share and explore isintu, ubuntu, life, love and legacy together…but I can’t do the thinking and learning for you.

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It’s a new calendar year, so it’s another opportunity to do as you please.

If you didn’t know that you could do as you please, I would like to teach you a new word: 8 letters, beginning with ‘A’. Audacity.

This is A Love Letter to the sheer audacity.

The sheer audacity, like inkani, are the key to unlocking the life you have been building… and being the person you have invested so much into becoming.

Our 20s are for the tough lessons that teach us how to say no.
Our 30s teach us why saying no is important.
Our 40s give us the sheer audacity to say yes to everything we’ve been preparing for.

On my instagram microblog, I wrote A Love Letter to inkani, so let’s treat this as Part 2

In 2026, let’s practice how to say yes, and embrace what comes with it: vulnerability, uncertainty and discomfort (sometimes, inconvenience).

Saying yes also brings courage, clarity, fun and resolution. We deserve this, and so much more. We are abantu, after all.

Saying yes, as difficult and uncomfortable as it may be, lays the foundation for richness, authenticity and delight.

Saying no keeps out the things we don’t want.

Saying yes lets in the things we do want. We need more of what enriches, grows and delights us.

Say Yes

It’s not good enough to be fluent in saying no, rejecting and repelling what we don’t want. We have to actively embrace what we do want, and need.

Saying yes is a practice in gratitude and generosity. Read the full Love Letter below

What I am saying is:

SAY YES to everything that makes you umuntu. Saying yes to what enriches us invokes our right to just be umuntu. You don’t need permission, it is your right.

Sidebar: A corrupted version of ubuntu is being used against us. It disallows us from our own rights as abantu. I believe that the primary purpose of our lives is to experience the fullness of life, in its delights, and its pains.

Saying yes isn’t easy, it’s actually often discouraged, especially for women. African women, most of all, are overtly and subtly shamed for even daring: you know the narrative…

1. You? receive?! You’re a giver, a doer, a server. Entitled, much?

2. Also, aren’t you independent and ambitious? so why would you need anything?

Thirdly, who are you, even? What makes you think you deserve anything you haven’t struggled for and earned?

Meanwhile…nothing could be further from the truth.

The audacious yes is neither directionless nor impulsive. The audacious yes requires us to have boundaries and standards.

The audacious yes is discerning and well considered. It works best with the humility and wisdom of maturity.

The audacious yes is grown folk business.

No, nope, nix, never

Welcome to the balancing act of adult life.

If we are going to make it in our lives, saying no is a muscle we have had to build and exercise often.

For our sanity, lives and humanity, we have to say no to the demands, and expectations that cost us more than they return, otherwise we will have nothing left for ourselves.

Plot twist! Saying no to what isn’t for us, doesn’t automatically translate into a yes for what is.

However, when we start by saying yes to what is true and necessary for ourselves, everything else that isn’t in alignment begins to diminish and disappear.

No means no. If you want to say yes, then say that, and move accordingly.

New year, same truth

What we do as part of our roles at home, communities and work doesn’t have to define who we are as abantu.

What we have to do is not the same as who we allow ourselves to be. We can’t let one get in the way of the other.

Ubuntu means putting yourself first

The audacious yes we need is grounded in our values.

It must resonate in every part of our lives, choices and actions.

Saying yes means learning to put ourselves first, as abantu.

“Put yourself first’ doesn’t mean: self-indulgence, unkindness, or avoidance.

You’re an adult, so you have to accept accountability, of being socially mature and emotionally competent.

Saying yes is the promise of possibility.

Encouragement and compassionate support are far more positively impactful than berating, criticising, or judging.

It’s true for children, pets, and even plants. Of course it applies to you too: you are someone’s child, a living being, umuntu.

A Love Letter is a companion, not a manual. We can share and explore isintu, ubuntu, life, love and legacy together…but I can’t do the thinking and learning for you.

To: Everyone sick and tired of being sick and tired

From: Me - same, but trying to rest by watching 20 year old tv shows and crocheting blankets.

Mood: Gatvol. Awoah, til when? (find a way to send this to your team, boss and head office. If you are the boss/your own boss, catch your sub)

Song: Dilated Peoples - Worst comes to Worst

Captain Planet

Growing up, I enjoyed watching Captain Planet. There’s so much to love about it, but what’s always stayed with me is how it portrayed teamwork. A group of young people from all over the world—The Planeteers—each carried a unique ring with its own power. On its own, each ring was valuable, but it was when they combined their powers that something truly transformative happened.

You know where I am going with this…. If you want it to (I want it to) - Captain Planet could represent what teamwork grounded in ubuntu looks like: different people bringing what they have, respecting & playing to each other’s strengths, and working together toward something bigger than and beyond themselves. In every challenge they faced – collaboration won over unchecked competitiveness.

Power Hungry

Am I saying that competition and personal ambition are inherently wrong? Of course not—we need to have goals and overcome challenges in order to grow.

We know there is such a thing as healthy competition – where we can strive for and achieve our goals and targets while respecting ourselves and others.

We also know that there is unhealthy competition where success can only be at the expense or destruction of someone or something. Unhealthy competition thrives where respect is lacking.

What is the difference? Ubuntu. As usual.

Respect is a mutually cultivated & beneficial resource, not a scarce commodity for the select, ruthless few. This is a critical point I would like to make because nobody’s professional success is cultivated in isolation. Collaboration is inevitable and crucial for success.

Approaching work with ubuntu as your foundation means recognizing that we are all people, regardless of position or rank. This creates a culture where leadership and team work are rooted in respect. This calls us all to move past a scarcity mindset where relationships are a zero-sum game.

This shifts the focus away from machinations, mind games and political manoeuvring, allowing the authority to be maintained through earned and reciprocated trust and fairness instead.

Shape Shifter

Ubuntu helps us to build a circle of belonging and respect in our professional environments. Ubuntu inevitably dismantles the triangular hierarchy of worth, which we know perpetuates harmful and untenable work environments and habits.

When respect is the foundation, productivity follows.

True or False

False: Productivity equals purpose

True:

Professional productivity alone does not reflect living our purpose. Doing a job you’re good at is not the same as living your purpose.

Ubuntu reminds us of this truth, helping us reclaim our value beyond work and money. Even if your work doesn’t fulfil every need, it can still be meaningful and impactful.

False: Teamwork requires a personal connection.

Working well with others means liking everyone, being liked by everyone.

True:

Ubuntu helps us separate our values as people from the roles we play in the workplace. While we may not have chosen the current system, we can still find ways to stay rooted through it.

False: Respect is conditional

We need to like someone or share something in common to respect them.

True:

Ubuntu invites us to move beyond this mindset, understanding that respect doesn’t depend on similarity but on our shared humanity.

Reimagining Success

It’s time to reimagine success - what it means to thrive, not just survive, professionally.

Many of us 40 and older have already invested at least 15-20 years into our professional lives, and we are paying the price now with our lives and health.

Why should our professions and careers come at the cost of our well-being? Why should profits matter more than people? Are we ready to reimagine success? Are we prepared to embrace professional collaboration for sustainability, legacy and reclaiming our humanity?

How do we build and sustain our careers and professional relationships with integrity, healthy boundaries and shared goals?

The A Team

Rooted in Ubuntu, the 5 As help us show up with maturity and intention, cultivating careers and professional lives where respect, collaboration, and impact can thrive.

1. Alignment:

Clear direction & perspective keep us aligned to our goals.

• Clarity, consistency and transparent communication are crucial to ensuring alignment.

• Compassion aids us to move in alignment because we can show compassion and respect without judgment.

2. Adaptability:

Adaptability requires intelligence and creativity— what does that look like to you?

• Adaptability requires courage — what or who can give you the courage to surf the waves of change and unpredictability?

• What else can support an agile approach?

3. Acknowledgement:

Acknowledgement accords respect and dignity for our efforts and contributions.

• Giving thanks. Gratitude goes a long way.

• Acknowledgements means addressing failure and challenges with honesty and respect.

4. Accountability:

Accountability is an honest allocation of responsibility.

• Own up. Speak up. This can restore trust or confidence in difficult circumstances.

5. Action:

Action is a commitment to consistency and equitable participation

• Don’t just talk about it. Be about it.

• Do what you can, the rest, delegate or ask for support. Delegation is not the same as shifting responsibility.

• Play your part - but you cannot, and should not play every part - nor can you play no part.

We know that the story of productivity and profit 'by any means' is a dishonest and harmful one. We have to flip the script, our lives depend on it.

Our work is but one part of who we are. Sucess is not a solitary climb, let’s treat it as a collaborative effort to thrive together. You already know why - umuntu, ngumuntu ngabantu. Yes, even at work.

We need healthier, more sustainable professional lives, relationships and workplace cultures. The future of productivity begins with respect.

The Power is Yours!

This is a love letter for the community participators, implementers, planners, doers and givers. For the achievers and investors of emotional and mental resources. For the parents and partners. This is for the lovers and respecters of abantu. You may, no, should, pour into yourself, as a valued member of the communities you love. You are also a person.

This is also a reflection for myself, as I rest and reimagine my contributions and duties as a healer and teacher. Come along with me into this reminder that ubuntu is not only what we extend to others, it is a principle that includes us - we are people too.

Remembering Me

Sometimes when I am overwhelmed and exhausted, and my kids all want a piece of me because all they see is their mother, I have to tell them:

“Ngiw’muntu nami!”

Hey, I am a person too!

It is to teach them that I exist as myself even within my relationship and duty to them as a mother.

When I am speaking up for my personal space and time, I evoke precisely the idea of being umuntu — a person.

My kids have to recognise that I am a person and they have to let me be. It is part of their ubuntu duty towards me to let me have space.

In this Love Letter, let’s explore what it means to uphold Ubuntu in relation to yourself.

Ubuntu is a social ethic that connects us to others. And to connect with others, we must have a sense of deep connection and comfort with ourselves.

Honouring Ubuntu

In Ancestory, I explain that ‘Ubuntu’ is not some dictatorship of the community that removes our individuality because

“Ubuntu implies that there is such a thing as a ‘person’ who has their personhood.”

For those of us who understand the idea of ‘ubuntu’ in its proper African meaning, we have always experienced and understood it to mean there is a ‘you’ — the ‘person’.

Now, if the ‘person’ that is you in ubuntu has duties and responsibilities towards others, that tells us that you have to be of the condition to be at your most human.

If we misinterpret ubuntu to mean carrying exploitative or overwhelming burdens, it leads to resentment, disillusion, and cynicism.

When ubuntu burns us out and drains us of resources, we end up anxious about being kind, and may altogether avoid social and kinship bonds, roles and responsibilities.

At work, the abuse of your ubuntu may dampen your view of people and turn you from being a supportive manager and leader into a cynic who no longer gives staff the benefit of the doubt.

As a once enthusiastic employee who gave extra time at work, it may make you quiet-quit and give the bare minimum because you feel taken advantage of.

Honouring Me

With the increasing daily demands of the modern world especially, the abuse of ubuntu is experienced as a denial of ourselves and our limits, and ubuntu becomes inherently oppressive and repressive to the individual.

To prevent feeling hopeless or disillusioned it is time to see that there is ‘U’ in Ubuntu.

In African languages, the ‘u’ is that ungendered prefix that refers to you — ‘u-muntu’, the ‘u’ is a very deep grammar that refers to your specific existence in all space and time.

Whether at work or at home, wherever the demands begin to take you for granted — remind everyone ‘Ngingumuntu nami!’ — ‘I am a person too!’.

By doing so, we are asserting that our individuality matters.

We can assert individuality without being narcissistic or self-absorbed about it.

As we give help, we can receive help.

As we extend compassion, so we can practice self-compassion.

As we invest in our loved ones, so we can invest in ourselves.

As we instill boundaries to protect our children, parternships and families, same goes.

What enriches and nourishes us, nourishes our community.

We too are people, we are members of our families and communities that we love and care for. Caring for others should not harm us.

Care is an investment, not a sacrifice.

Self-neglect is not a high honour or virtue. Self-neglect is betrayal.

The better we are as abantu, the better we are for abantu.

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